Communication Skills To Increase Family Harmony
By Zoe Kircos with Arlene Brownell
“I
want to go to the park right NOW!” my two-year-old daughter Ava
insisted. Once again, I felt my frustration and exhaustion rise to the
surface. After weeks of Ava's escalating tantrums, I was desperate to
find a different way of handling our interactions. As a mediator, I had
been trained in Non-Adversarial Communication (NAC), a process based on
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Although NVC
has been used successfully worldwide to settle disputes of all
intensities, I had never attempted to use the skills with my kids. I
decided to try.
A
few days later, Ava was visiting a friend when I told her it was time
to leave. “No, I want to stay here,” she said as she began to cry.
Instead of cajoling, reasoning, or threatening as I usually do, I used
the NAC process.
I
observed, “It looks like you're having a good time. I bet you'd like to
keep playing, huh?” Still crying, Ava responded “Yeah.” I continued, “I
guess you're frustrated because you'd like to decide for yourself when
to leave?” She again responded, “Yeah.” I continued to guess at her
feelings and needs without arguing, suggesting other options, or
stating my opinion. Much to my delight, Ava stopped crying, stood up,
and said goodbye to her friend. Over the next month, every time Ava dug
in her heels, I used NAC. Nearly all of our conflicts quickly resolved.
Most
parents struggle with setting appropriate boundaries for behavior while
allowing children to make some of their own decisions; with creating
family harmony without “giving in;” and with balancing the needs of all
family members. Parenting experts offer a variety of approaches that
might or might not work, depending on the child, the parents and the
situation. My strategy is to set aside automatic “parent vs. child”
adversarial thinking and the language that flows from it. Instead, I
use NAC techniques to better hear and understand my children and myself.
Non-Adversarial
Communication is a different way of listening and speaking. NAC's
attention to language increases understanding and respect while
reducing conflict. Its purpose is to achieve deep understanding of
another person, regardless of age. Instead of telling my daughter to
stop doing something, such as jumping on the couch, I guess at what
need her behavior is meeting, and sometimes choose to express how the
behavior affects me. “It looks like you're working off some energy and
having a great time. I'm worried about your safety and about keeping
the couch comfortable for other people.” Once mutual understanding is
established, we look together for ways to meet her needs and mine. “Can
you think of some other activities that would be both fun and safe?”
The Non-Adversarial Communication Model
NAC
is effective when we truly have the intention of understanding what's
important to each person. When we hold that intention, the NAC process
reminds us to focus our attention on four important aspects of speaking
and listening: observation, feelings, needs, and requests.
Observation
consists of what we see or hear. An observation is concrete,
measurable, and factual; it excludes criticism, judgment, or
interpretation. I first state an observation to convey a clear image of
what I heard or saw without criticizing or judging, which can trigger a
defensive reaction. “I see toys on the couch, the chair, under the
table and hanging from a lampshade” is an observation. “I see your junk
in every nook and cranny of this room” has criticism mixed in.
Feelings
are our internal, physiological response to our observations. They are
free of our beliefs and interpretations of what we observe. "I feel sad
and frustrated" is an expression of feelings "You're making me
frustrated" is an interpretation. The specific feelings we experience
vary according to whether our underlying needs are met or unmet.
Needs
are our life energy. Different from wants, needs are fundamental,
universal human requirements. "I need order and cleanliness in the
space we share" expresses needs. In NAC, deep human needs include:
independence (i.e., the right to make our own choices),
interdependence, play, purpose, and physical well-being.
Requests
are strategies or solutions that we think will meet our needs. Moving
to strategies without clarifying everyone's needs tends to inflame
conflict. "Can we pick up your toys together and put them in your toy
box" is a request.
The
NAC process allows us to express without blame or criticism what's
going on internally. The beauty of this communication process is that
we connect with the true needs of our children instead of focusing
solely on their behavior. With NAC, I've found that my daughters and I
are experiencing less frustration, fewer arguments, and much more fun.
Zoe
Kircos, a mediator and mom, coaches Non-Adversarial Communication for
Connection Partners, Inc. Arlene Brownell, Ph.D., co-founder of
Connection Partners, Inc, is a mediator, facilitator, and speaker. For
more information about NAC, visit www.connectionpartners.com or call 303-449-2553.
Published in Family Connection, A Parenting Place Publication, November 2005.
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Non-Adversarial Communication: A Strategy to Increase Client and Attorney Satisfaction
By Tom Bache-Wiig, Arlene Brownell, Ph.D., Lyla D. Hamilton, Ph.D., and Steven J. Wolhandler, JD, MA
Introduction
Many litigating attorneys love their work and strive both to educate
their clients about available legal remedies and to represent their
clients' legal rights. Yet client and attorney dissatisfaction is
rampant:
- Boston
Bar Association research found "growing evidence that a significant
cross-section of lawyers are dissatisfied with the quality of their
professional lives." Its report characterized the issue of professional
fulfillment as "the most serious problem facing our profession today."
- The
Florida Bar Quality of Life and Career Committee identified two sources
of professional dissatisfaction: the adversarial mindset which
encourages lawyers to treat others as opponents; and legal analysis
that habituates lawyers to think critically. This committee concludes
that the result for many lawyers is a tendency to find faults in
others, and a tendency to generalize this way of thinking into
non-client relationships, driving others away. "A 'zero sum' approach
traps us in the stress of competition -- always needing to grab a
bigger slice for ourselves, to the detriment of others. This style of
thinking is hardly the groundwork for a long and healthy professional
life."
- An American Bar Association study concluded that most Americans are "dissatisfied with the ways lawyers communicate with them."
Attorneys
provide a valuable service. So why are many litigators dissatisfied
with their professional lives, why are many clients dissatisfied with
their attorneys, and why does the American public generally lack
confidence in the legal profession? We believe that adversarial
thinking, behavior, and language can contribute to client stress,
public distrust of the legal process, and attorney dissatisfaction,
burnout and disillusionment. We invite you to learn a communication
process that will help you relate to yourself, your clients, and your
loved ones in a way that is more likely to increase satisfaction,
understanding, and trust for all concerned.
Rights and Needs
Attorneys are trained primarily to adopt an adversarial stance,
zealously representing their clients by aggressively wielding power.
One strategy for achieving greater client and attorney satisfaction is
to set aside automatic adversarial thinking and the language that flows
from it. Non-Adversarial Communication is a different model of thinking
and language that can increase client and attorney satisfaction.
The
idea of using a non-adversarial method in the highly adversarial
American legal system might at first seem far-fetched. Yet, a
non-adversarial communication process, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's
Nonviolent Communication, has been used successfully all over the world
to settle disputes of all intensities involving parents, children,
couples, street gangs in the US, prisoners, religious organizations,
tribes, and governments. Non-Adversarial Communication is based on Dr.
Rosenberg's work.
Attorneys
can use these skills to avoid unnecessarily provoking the other side
and escalating the conflict, to minimize collateral damage that will
remain after settlement, and to understand client needs more fully. A
clear understanding of a client's broader needs beyond financial
settlement -- such as needs for equity and fairness, respect, physical
and emotional safety, understanding, an on-going relationship with the
other party, financial security, and closure -- opens up more options
for resolution and therefore the possibility for greater client
satisfaction.
Vigorously
pursuing the clients' legal rights can meet some but neglect other
important client needs. For example, each time a woman we know cried or
"got emotional," her divorce attorney became annoyed and stopped
listening to her. "My attorney was operating from a different paradigm
of what the court would want and wasn't interested in what I wanted."
Because this client did not feel understood or respected by her divorce
attorney, she discarded that attorney's draft settlement agreement and
hired another attorney to create the settlement agreement that she
wanted and her then husband supported. Although the client wanted her
legal rights protected, she doubled her costs for representation
because her other high priority needs, e.g., to be heard and
understood, were not honored.
Attorneys
also have multiple needs. Attorneys would like respect, recognition,
financial security, integrity, and to contribute to justice, fairness,
and financial security for their clients. At the same time, many
dislike the lack of balance in their lives and the toll law practice
can take on their personal relationships.
After
three decades of practice, a highly successful litigator hardly
remembers his initial desire to help the underserved. He describes his
approach as "making the case my own," and expresses his concern that
the client will "screw things up." His wife of over 20 years left him,
she says, because he became so emotionally distant and focused on his
work that they no longer had any relationship.
In
both of the above examples, traditional attorney communication - or the
lack of broader, needs-sensitive communication - drove others away.
What
creates dissatisfaction and distrust for both client and attorney?
According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, dissatisfaction arises because
fundamental human needs are unmet by the strategies being used to meet
those needs. Clients and attorneys are dissatisfied because adversarial
and legal rights-based strategies don't address other high priority,
fundamental needs, such as needs for respect, acknowledgement,
understanding, empathy, and balance.
The Non-Adversarial Communication Model
Most communication seeks to analyze ideas, persuade others about those
ideas, and give opinions about ideas. Non-Adversarial Communication
(NAC) is about expressing and understanding human experiences and needs
- yours and those of the person with whom you are communicating. The
purpose of Non-Adversarial Communication is self-expression and
listening in a way that is most likely to create deep understanding and
enhance the probability of meeting each person's needs.
NAC
can be used in both personal and professional situations. Recently, one
of the authors offered to help her elderly mother take care of banking
business that had been dragging on for a year. When the daughter
offered to go to the bank with her mother and help resolve the matter,
her mother seemed upset and started to give reasons why the daughter
should not bother, that she did not have the time, etc. The daughter
was puzzled about this reaction, but after a moment of contemplation
said to her mother "Mom, when you hear me offer to help with your
banking problem, do you feel upset because you need the autonomy and
independence to take care of this matter yourself?" Her mother
immediately relaxed because she felt understood.
Through
NAC, we speak and listen in a way that expresses our intention to meet
the needs of all participants in the conversation. The NAC model
focuses our attention on four important aspects of expression and
listening: observation, feelings, needs, and requests.
Observation
consists of concrete, measurable, and factual information, and excludes
judgment, evaluation, analysis, or interpretation. The purpose of first
stating an observation is to create a clear image of the event or
experience so that another person can recognize the event and not react
to an evaluation of the event. "He is a poor manager" is an evaluation.
"He has not asked team members to provide input," is an observation.
Feelings
are our responses to our observations and are triggered in part by our
beliefs and interpretations of what we observe. "You're making me
angry" is an interpretation. "I feel hurt and angry" is an expression
of feelings. Feelings let us know if our underlying needs are met or
unmet.
Needs
are fundamental, universal human requirements: autonomy, celebration,
integrity, interdependence, physical nurturance, play, and spiritual
communion. When our needs and wants are met, for example, we might feel
glad, energetic, or peaceful. When they are not, we may be angry, sad,
scared, confused, or detached. "I need custody" is a strategy. "I need
to know that my children are safe" is a need.
Requests
are strategies intended to get fundamental, universal needs met. They
include requests to confirm that our message has been understood or to
take a specific, do-able action. In the NAC model, we do not work on
strategies (i.e., solutions) until the underlying need has been
accurately identified. For example, when a client wants revenge, the
underlying human need might be respect. Or perhaps it is safety or
fairness. Once the fundamental need is identified, attorneys can help
create alternative strategies that will address what is most important
to the client.
By
focusing our attention on these four specific aspects of communication,
we make it easier to understand others and to be understood, and more
likely to have satisfying professional and personal relationships.
The Challenge of Non-Adversarial Communication
The NAC model is simple and easy to understand. It can be harder to
apply in the emotionally charged circumstances litigators regularly
face. Angry clients seeking retribution and aggressive opposing counsel
can trigger hostile reactions that serve no one.
Attorneys
are trained to understand content and details, but conflict and
litigation involve intense emotions as well as substantive issues.
Being able to recognize and deeply understand a client's human
experience and needs, in addition to protecting the client's legal
rights, is essential for increasing client satisfaction. It takes
training and practice for attorneys to shift, when appropriate, from
the habits of adversarial thinking and language to NAC, the language of
human connection. Interpretation, analysis, judgment and blame are so
deeply engrained in us that we're hardly aware of their presence in our
language. Unlearning and relearning skills begins with awareness and
guided work on the basics.
NAC
is not therapy. It is a process of communication. Like physicians who
have learned to communicate with patients rather than simply treat
disorders, NAC-competent attorneys can serve more of the client-and
thereby become more effective practitioners.
Justice, Needs, and Non-Adversarial Communication
The justice Shylock seeks in Shakespeare's "Merchant of Venice" embodies the ancient motto, Fiat justitia, ruat calum
-- Let justice be done though the heavens fall. Pushing legal rights to
the limit, however, does not always serve clients' broader or
longer-term interests -- even if they win the case in court.
Non-Adversarial
Communication provides attorneys with knowledge and skills to meet
their clients' broader needs more effectively while at the same time
protecting their legal rights. By mastering NAC, attorneys can better
serve their clients, achieve greater professional satisfaction, and
improve public perception of attorneys.
Author bios
Tom Bache-Wiig is past President and Arlene Brownell is current
Co-President of the Boulder Chapter of the Colorado Council of
Mediators (CCMO). They are mediators who teach Non-Adversarial
Communication to attorneys, mediators, clergy, therapists, and other
professionals. They can be reached at (303) 449-2553 or through
www.connectionpartners.com. Lyla D. Hamilton writes on issues of
leadership and ethics in business and the professions, and has
completed Connection Partners' NAC training for professionals. Steven
J. Wolhandler is a mediator and psychotherapist. A former editor of the
Cornell Law Review, he practiced law for over 15 years both in a large
Wall Street firm and as a solo practitioner. He can be reached at 303
245-0909 or through www.creativeresolutions.org.
Published in the Boulder County Bar Newsletter, November 2002.
1Joel
M. Reck, President, Boston Bar Association, Foreward, Expectations,
Reality and Recommendations for Change, The Boston Bar Association Task
Force on Professional Fulfillment) August, 1997.
2www.Fla-Lap.org/glsm/principles.html
3ABA Section on Litigation, Perceptions of Lawyers: Consumer Research Findings, April 2002.
4Kathleen Franco, "Collaborative Law Brings Magic Into the Practice," BCBA Newsletter, February 2002
5Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., Nonviolent Communication, Puddle Dancer Press, 2002
6Id.
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How Mediation Can Increase Employee and Customer Loyalty
by Arlene Brownell, Ph.D.
© 2001 Boulder County Business Report
Because we spend more time working than
doing almost anything else, I'm alarmed by so many studies telling us
about high rates of employee job dissatisfaction.
Presumably, we all
desire a work life that enriches the overall quality of our lives.
Mediation is a simple, powerful solution that can improve work life
quality, reduce the high cost of turnover, and reengage spiritless
employees.
As
human beings we share the same basic needs, including our needs for
understanding, honesty, and connection. According to Marshall
Rosenberg, Ph.D., founder of the Center for Non-Violent Communication,
when our needs aren't met, we may feel apathetic, angry, confused,
detached, or disgruntled.
As
a customer, I don't enjoy interacting with indifferent or irritable
employees. I'm not surprised, therefore, that Harvard researchers find
that companies with more dissatisfied employees have more dissatisfied
customers.
My
work takes me inside businesses ranging from two people to Fortune 500
companies. Across the board, people are coping with tight deadlines and
budgets, "demanding" customers, and the mandate to do more with fewer
resources. Under this stress, tempers flair, people refuse to speak to
each other, and what begins as a minor irritation often builds into
full-scale conflict.
I
see teams comprised of people from varied backgrounds - for example, an
engineer, sales representative, word processor, and an instructional
designer. They may have so many disagreements that even though
committed to the same project goals, they need help to connect through
their different perspectives. During a facilitated mediation in which
each feels confident that his or her perspective is understood, they
begin to bond into a team before brainstorming to design their project.
Style
differences rather than words frequently trigger conflict. A common
problem involves individuals whose jobs require that they cooperate,
and whose work habits increasingly irritate each other. Consider, for
example, a web designer and an instructional designer, one who thrives
on working at the last minute before a deadline, and the other who
performs best with time allowed for project review and reflection.
Neither will compromise because each wants respect from the other. In
mediation, they move from anger into mutual problem solving, and then
agree on a solution that meets their needs.
When
problems such as these are ignored, misunderstandings increase, and
resentment grows and spreads. Others in the work environment become
distracted and triggered by the conflict. They disengage from their
work, productivity drops, and absenteeism and turnover increase.
Unfortunately,
most companies either ignore these types of conflicts, or resort to
firing, retiring, or transferring people. Mediation is a cost-effective
alternative solution.
Businesses
and government agencies are turning to mediation to resolve complaints
about discrimination and/or harassment. According to the Kiplinger
Newsletter, mediation saves $5 of litigation for every $1 spent on
mediation.
Mediation
can reduce obstacles that arise naturally from people working together
under stressful conditions. In fact, some types of mediation are ideal
for resolving disagreements while preserving relationships needed to
work cooperatively on an ongoing basis.
During
mediation, the mediator meets with the feuding employees in a safe,
confidential environment. The mediator serves as an impartial third
party who neither makes decisions nor provides solutions.
In
facilitative mediation, the mediator guides the employees through a
negotiating process in which they problem solve together and identify
solutions that will work for them. The mediator controls the process.
The participants control the outcomes. In mediation, the employees
reach agreements that will resolve their problem and improve the
quality of their work lives. They are, therefore, committed to keeping
their agreements to one another.
Because
mediators differ in mediation style, experience, and rates, here are
guidelines for selecting a mediator, or co-mediators, to help resolve
workplace frictions. Look for a mediator who:
- Is trained in basic mediation processes and skills (40 hours minimum).
- Mediates
in a style that preserves ongoing relationships, such as either
facilitative mediation or Rosenberg's compassionate mediation.
- Is
a member of a professional organization with ethical guidelines and
grievance procedures, such as the Colorado Council of Mediators and
Mediation Organizations (www.coloradomediation.org/boulder).
- Is impartial and has no conflict of interest.
- Has
substantive understanding of workplace systems and constraints in order
to reality check that agreements reached are workable within your work
environment.
The
potential pay offs of mediation are great. Employees learn new problem
solving skills and respectfully resolve their disagreements. Over time,
the company stands to increase employee job satisfaction, reduce
turnover, increase productivity, and increase customer satisfaction -
all key factors for keeping customers coming back.
Arlene Brownell, Ph.D., an organizational consultant since 1987, is a mediator, facilitator, trainer, and coach.
She can be reached by phone at (303) 449-2553, or by e-mail to: brownella@connectionpartners.com.
Brownell's website, www.connectionpartners.com, provides helpful information about group process facilitation,
questions to ask to select a mediator, and more.
Guest Column Published in Boulder County Business Report, Volume 20, Issue 20 ( September 21, 2001 )
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