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Non-Adversarial Communication: Skills to Enhance Collaboration
By Arlene Brownell, Ph.D., and Tom Bache-Wiig

We are all hard-wired for survival; that is, we automatically respond with "fight," "flight," or "freeze" responses to what our brain's emotion center perceives as a threat. In collaborative family law meetings, we cannot always stop the automatic reactions of clients to each other, or our own reactions, or those of the other collaborative professionals. The good news is that, with practice, Non-Adversarial Communication builds skills to transform our own and others' automatic reactions into a response more likely to evoke collaboration than conflict.

Non-Adversarial Communication (NAC) is not therapy although its impact may be therapeutic. NAC is a collaborative communication process involving emotional intelligence skills, i.e., the ability to identify and manage emotions. Criticism, judgment, evaluation, and blame are so common that we're hardly aware of their presence in our language. Shifting from deeply ingrained adversarial thinking and language to collaborative communication begins with self-awareness and guided work on the basics.

The purpose of this article is to describe Non-Adversarial Communication¹, and its value in reducing conflict and enhancing the collaborative divorce process.

The Non-Adversarial Communication Model, Conflict Resolution, and Collaboration

Unlike most communication which focuses on content, ideas, or opinions, NAC focuses attention on what's going on beneath the words. NAC skills include speaking and listening in a way that is most likely to create understanding of the fundamental human needs (such as respect, fairness, recognition, safety, appreciation, independence, contribution to the well-being of others, etc.) of those involved in the negotiations. The collaborative professional uses NAC skills to help the parties understand themselves and each other, think creatively, and make decisions that work for their family.

Using NAC involves developing a vocabulary of non-adversarial language and phrasing together with skills to listen for and articulate both the emotional reaction to what's occurring and the underlying fundamental human needs that might give rise to that emotional response.

The NAC model-Intention (to understand), Attention to Observation, Feelings, Needs, Requests-is easy to learn. However, in an emotionally charged situation, the skills can be challenging for a collaborative professional to apply, especially if the professional becomes personally engaged in the charged interaction.

Consider the levels of conflict illustrated on the following diagram:

Levels of Conflict

Level 1(Collaboration) Problem-Solving Focus Strong Trust	Level 2 Disagreement Weakening Trust	Level 3 Contest Low Trust	Level 4 Battle No Trust

As conflict increases in intensity, trust erodes and parties move further away from a collaborative problem solving focus.

Applying Non-Adversarial Communication To Enhance The Collaborative Process

Two key factors affect the ability of people to participate in a collaborative process: intensity of emotion and personal importance of the issue being discussed.

When emotional intensity is high, the higher functioning part of the human brain automatically shuts down. In this state, one cannot think flexibly or creatively. When emotions flare and the issue is personally important, a party will likely resist, opting either for no action or insisting on his/her own way of resolving differences instead of working towards collaborative solutions that work for the family.

Most divorcing spouses experience emotional volatility during their divorce process, and a mix of high intensity of emotion about important issues exists throughout the collaborative divorce process as well. Attorneys and other collaborative professionals who slip into using skills, habits, and communication appropriate for a litigated case, or who focus solely on substantive data, can inflame already volatile emotions and thereby undermine a collaborative negotiation.

A client's ability to work collaboratively is greatest when s/he cares about the issue and his/her emotions are "in check." Non-Adversarial Communication (NAC) provides tools that are used throughout the collaborative process to continually calm escalating emotions.

The skills are used with everyone involved (yourself, the parties and other professionals as needed) to establish, maintain, or regain trust and connection between the parties and among team members as described below:

Awareness of the Situation. By focusing attention on language, emotional reactions, and underlying needs, the NAC-skilled collaborative professional is sensitive to signs that uncomfortable topics are being avoided, and/or that s/he or someone else is starting to become engaged in the conflict. At the awareness stage, the professional uses NAC to prevent escalation and to build trust.

Deal with Yourself First. When the collaborative professional becomes aware of being personally engaged in the conflict, the professional uses the NAC process first to ground him or herself before using the process to defuse the rising tension in others.

Deal with the Others. After assessing the situation and grounding him/herself, the professional uses NAC to acknowledge the others' experience at that moment without imposing either judgment or agreement. By using NAC to clarify what the parties and/or team members perceive, their emotional reactions, and their interests and fundamental needs, the professional helps the others to shift from allegiance to a particular solution to receptivity to a range of potential solutions.

By continuing to prevent and/or reduce emotional escalation, the collaborative professional then uses NAC skills throughout the process to guide parties to create productive dialogue, create and evaluate solution options, develop their agreements, and to commit to actions that will enable the family to move forward.

Payoff Comes From Skills Training and Practice

Many collaborative professionals are trained to understand content and details, but conflict and divorce involve intense emotions as well as substantive issues and legal rights. Non-Adversarial Communication skills help families heal by managing emotional intensity, reducing conflict, and keeping parties focused on what's deeply, fundamentally important to them. Proficiency in Non-Adversarial Communication, as with any other skill, comes not from reading a book but from regular practice. The payoff comes as you use NAC to help your clients work together and then see them create agreements that really meet the needs of their family.

Tom Bache-Wiig and Arlene Brownell are mediators and collaborative divorce coaches who teach Non-Adversarial Communication. They can be reached at Connection Partners, Inc., (303) 449-2553, www.connectionpartners.com.

Tom and Arlene thank Bert Dempsey, Dr. Steven R. Frieman, Deb Johnson, and Alexis Namaste for their helpful contributions to this article.

Published in The Collaborator, the newsletter for Colorado Collaborative Law Professionals, June 2006.

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¹ Non-Adversarial Communication is based on Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication.